All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
