70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
