I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
