Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Boobs speak an international language.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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