Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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