it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
