He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
