A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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