I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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