Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
