can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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