I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
