Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
