everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
