dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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