Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
