he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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