I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
