She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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