I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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