well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
