People in love make me want to vomit
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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