Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
