wrigley field is MILF paradise
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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