you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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