Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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