You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
