her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
