I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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