peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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