anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
