I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
