I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
