dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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