the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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