Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
