Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
