Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
