Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
