You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
