For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
