how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize