My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
