As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
