I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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