College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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