My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Let's get the cat blown out
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
