On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
