Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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