So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
