he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
