You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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