the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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