Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we're so committed to being not committed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
