I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
