haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
