It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize