dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
